I'm finally accepting my inner HSC.
I’m doing a lot of inner child work these days, and it’s great. Finally, I’m able to give space to all there is “in there,” – my wounded, scared, angry, little me, still in the emotional torment and confusion of the deep past.
Inner work is not new to me, and I’ve tried to “deal with her” for decades, but honestly, I haven’t known how. I’ve swerved from resenting her neediness to letting her take over my life. I’ve felt resentful at how her restrictions get in my way of a “normal” life – that is – my unconscious mission to prove myself “normal” to others.
I’ve cursed and hardened against the sense that “my inner little girl” is “too much”. As if the little girl I have is a special needs child I don’t want, am not equipped to care for. I want a little girl who’s easy and fun, who I get along with, and who likes me and doesn’t encumber me – who I love to take care and do so naturally and skillfully.
Instead, I got a HSC (highly sensitive child) who finds interactions with the world frightening, who doesn’t feel safe with other people’s energies let alone asking for what she needs. She is rageful and alone, she doesn’t understand why others “hated her,” and she is burdened with wanting to please everyone but not knowing how. She is afraid to be alive and to exist. She is the Primal Scream I’ve wanted to let out since I was a teenager. At long last, I’ve touched her, and that. It is hell and it is also good. Because it is what is.
Being Present for What Is
My feelings about being present for what is via “her” has shifted lately from dread and eye rolling, to excitement. I begin the morning asking, “What do you want to express to me today?” It’s kind of fun and a relief to be there with her, witnessing, seeing, and simultaneously putting together the puzzle pieces of my past and how they formed my strategies and “patterns”.
“Of course,” I say to her, to me, now. “How could it have been different?” I’m accepting that which has always been, which I’ve applied countless “tools” to try to fix, transform, and erase.
Acceptance and Growth
Acceptance and growth is being with and holding all there is. It is way too much to stuff into the closet, let alone annihilate. It is me, it is us. Here I am and this is it. How do I make it better from here, today?
The other day I went walking from my village to the nearby town the “back way” – by the camino real. I was guiding a friend on the path, showing her the landmarks for when to turn. There is this one adobe house on a corner which signaled to me a turn up the hill. We took it and followed it along, talking along the way, and suddenly came to a gate, a dead end. Surprised and stumped we turned around and headed back, trying a different path immediately didn’t feel like the one. Suddenly there were many dogs barking and we energetically hustled to walk through their space safely. Then, one of the four dogs that had been barking from behind a chicken wire gate, the black one, was scrunching itself up and squeezing through a gap between the wire and the ground. Would it come after us? We talked nicely to him and it became clear he was a noble dog with some puppy in him. He began walking with us, nipping playfully at our hands and heels.
Then I saw something blue and glimmering, embedded in the dry dirt. I bent down to touch the smooth surface. It was a glass marble. The exact kind I used to play with as a little girl. I picked the small object out of the dirt and turned it between my fingers. Blue and green swirls reminiscent of the yin yang symbol were encased inside the smooth hard ball. Just like the marbles I used to marvel at. I smiled at the memory which I hadn’t thought of in decades.
“I’ll put this on my altar,” I told my friend, dropping the treasure into my jeans pocket.
I could feel my friend was a little distressed, between the wrong turn and the dogs. She was counting on me to get us to our destination and in that dependence felt helpless.
I reassured “Laurie” that we’d get there. I shared how somehow I always want to turn at that adobe house on the corner, but now I’ve learned it was not the way. “Do not turn at the adobe house!” I said to myself out loud, tattooing the message in my brain.
We went arrived at the main path and continued on our way, arriving in town without further “mistakes”.
I reflected to my friend, “You know, we took a wrong turn, but look what it gave us! A sweet noble dog accompanying us and a gift for my inner child. This wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t made this mistake of taking the wrong turn.”
It was a great lesson for me, and a reminder that the best experiences are the ones I don’t expect, haven’t planned, and could never predict, let alone imagine.
One of the things that makes me happy is walking off the main path. I love exploring the mysterious smaller paths. They lure me with their beauty and promise of unknown secrets. I do have a tendency to leave the known path to follow the less travelled ones. And this propensity has often gotten me lost, quickly turning my sense of fun and adventure to fear. I have learned over the years to not take a new path farther than I can reliably turn back, retracing my way without getting lost. A little discipline to temper the wild one in me.
At the End of the Day
Before going to sleep, I reflected on my day. The highlight had definitely been the wrong turn up the hill, finding the marble, a gift from my childhood, and the temporary companionship of the black dog. A reminder to me that what we perceive as mistakes, are where the gifts are. And further affirmation of my pleasure with taking unknown paths.
Knowing what makes me happy is a wonderful thing. It makes me feel more friendly with myself and helps me take care of myself.
Below is a short list of how I use knowing what makes me happy as self-care. What would be yours?
Feeling sad? Dance.
Feeling dull? Connect to nature.
If you're intrigued by and attracted to the concept of discovering what really makes you happy and using that as a guideline for creating your best and juiciest life (because, why not? We only have this life and time is ticking) I encourage you to check out my 5 Ways to Be Happy course. It´s extremely affordable and chock full of support and fun for YOU!
Robin Rainbow Gate
I help people midlife and beyond to find their inner power, health and well being through slow, conscious living
Ready to live Your True Life?